The Correct Way to Correct Your Child
Child under 12 years
With young children, it is much easier to implement old fashioned parenting. Needless to say, the younger the better. It is just a matter of implementing the5 Keys of Parenting: Composure, Control, Consistency, Courtesy and Caring.
1) If your children are old enough to understand, talk to them calmly about the changes you are making and what they can expect. Tell them what you expect from them and what they can expect from you.
2) Make a resolution to stay calm and in control at all times. Notice your early warning signs of losing control/temper and develop a plan for how you will react in these situations. I recommend a simple sentence - "Go to your room. We will discuss this further later." Although I prefer dealing with an incidence immediately, defusing the situation is better than losing your temper. With practice, you will need this opt-out less and less.
3) Decide on how many reminders/warnings you will give your children before you respond with a correction. Be consistent. If you decide that you will only ask a child to do something once, then make sure you consistently respond at that point. The worst thing you can do is to give a child 2 or 3 chances usually, and then snap after only 1 warning on another occasion - or vice versa. The inconsistency and uncertainty confuses a child. If you feel it is reasonable to ask twice, then respond immediately if the child fails to carry out the instruction after the second reminder. Personally, I feel a parent should only ever have to make a request once.
4) Decide on the one or two corrections you will employ to discipline your children. These need to be corrections you can impose immediately and are quickly over. They should also be measures that remain effective as your children grow up. I believe strongly in the effectiveness of a measured smack on the hand delivered by a calm, controlled and caring parent. This technique can be used from babyhood till about 12 years old, at which point children should be well trained in expected behaviour. However, another technique that seems to work reasonably well for school aged kids is sending your child to the most boring room in the house - namely, the toilet. Unlike other versions of timeouts that send children to the always fun bedroom or require parents to hold a child still in a timeout corner, the dull confines of the toilet seems to calm children down very quickly and allows them to 'see the errors of their ways'. Once the children are calm, they are allowed to come out and apologise for their behaviour and then do whatever task was asked of them. Visit the Forum for other suggestions.
5) Expect increased bad behaviour initially while your children test your seriousness about the new rules. Stay firm, calm and consistent. Your child will respond to your new sense of authority.
6) Insist on courteousness and respect amongst all family members. Inspire children to be courteous and respectful by treating them firmly but politely. Ignore any requests that are not made politely. Correct any poor manners displayed. Put up a manners chart. Do a variation on the old Swearing Jar. I had a Table Manners Jar when I was training my kids. For every correct table manner I saw displayed they got a jellybean, for every bad manner displayed, they lost one. At the end of the week, the kids got to eat all the jellybeans they'd accumulated. Surprisingly effective.
7) Balance firmness with a lot of affection. Reach out frequently to touch your children with affectionate gestures. The older children get, the more reluctant they are to respond to affectionate cuddles and kisses but that doesn't mean they don't want affection from you. It just needs to be more subtle - a squeeze of the shoulder, a ruffle of the hair, a good morning peck on the cheek, even a wrestle will do the trick.
8) Remember to have fun. Plan to have fun! Families are supposed to bring us joy. Pick a regular day each weekend when you have fun family outings. Organise an hour each night when the family just 'hangs out', preferably without the tv on. Have a regular games evening.
How To Re-Parent a Teenager
If it is a teenager you need to re-parent, it is a slightly different kettle of fish. The principles of Old Fashioned parenting remain the same but you may need more ammunition in the discipline department.
It is as important to follow the principles of composure, control, consistency, courtesy and caring with a teenager as with a small child. However, you are likely to find your composure and control challenged a lot more by a teenager who has had the bit in his teeth for a while. It is important to remember that although teens look and often act mature, they are still children. They do not have an adult's ability to reason - or be reasonable.
At the McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., Deborah Yurgelun-Todd and a group of researchers have studied how adolescents perceive emotion as compared to adults. The scientists looked at the brains of 18 children between the ages of 10 and 18 and compared them to 16 adults using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). Both groups were shown pictures of adult faces and asked to identify the emotion on the faces. Using MRI, the researchers could trace what part of the brain responded as subjects were asked to identify the expression depicted in the picture.
The results surprised the researchers. The adults correctly identified the expression as fear. Yet the teens answered "shocked, surprised, angry." Many parents will relate to how easily teens easily misread their expressions and intentions. And the teens and adults used different parts of their brains to process what they were feeling. The teens mostly used the amygdala, which guides instinctual or "gut" reactions, while the adults relied on the frontal cortex, which governs reason and planning. The part of the brain that helps people to reason and make decisions just doesn't reach maturity till the early 20s so treating teens as reasonable adults is not a good idea. Parents often feel the need to 'reason' with their teens, feeling that if they just understood why the parents had made a decision, then teens would accept it. Unfortunately, this often leads instead to heated scenes.
Teens, in a lot of ways, revert to toddlers in their behaviour - they want what they want, when they want it and they want it NOW. There are several reasons for this childish behaviour, namely immature brain development, hormones and the stress of coping with many changes in their lives. By setting up clear rules and routines, and by parenting consistently and calmly, parents can make the teen years an easier time to traverse.
Of course, teens are going to buck like crazy when you first put the Old Fashioned Parenting principles into practise. Be prepared for this. Practise the scenarios in your head so that you remain calm and in control.
Suggested Steps
The main difference with re-parenting a teen will be the need for more discipline. While I am reluctant, on the whole, to use removal of privileges as a disciplinary measure, it can be effective. I have seen a combination of the Toilet Timeout measure used very well in combination with Removal of Privileges to re-parent a teen. It needs to be well thought out, though. Teens will not respond well to arbitrary removal of privileges. Consistency is just as important here as in any other area of parenting.
1) Prepare your teen for the change in parenting. Explain briefly why you feel the need to do so. If things get emotional, end the discussion.
2) Prepare a chart listing your expectations in behaviour and the consequences. Put it where you and your teen can monitor it. Keep it simple and clear. I have sample charts available for download.
3) Decide on appropriate disciplinary measures. I suggest using the Toilet Timeout whenever a teen starts to argue with you or is disrespectful. This is effective because a) it defuses the situation before it has time to explode, giving you time to regroup, b) it gives him time to calm down. It usually only takes 5-10 minutes but be prepared for the occasional 2 hour stays when your child wants to prove a point, and c) it gives your child time to see that the point being fought over is not worth staying in a small room with blank walls and absolutely no entertainment. Insist that they are welcome to come out when they are ready to apologise and finish any task assigned. You may find yourself having to promptly send them back in on occasion but they eventually get control of themselves.
Where teens choose to break rules you have set, stick to the consequences as listed on the chart. You can even allow your teen to have some input into what consequences should be imposed. If your teen knows they will lose their mobile and phone privileges for a week if they choose to break curfew, then they only have themselves to blame. If, however, they are grounded one time and lose the phone another time, they can hardly be expected to learn anything except that their parents are unpredictable and unfair.
4) Do not explain your decisions or reason with your teens anymore. They have had years of listening to you explain so they know exactly why you have made a decision. Trying to be reasonable is allowing an opportunity for an argument and a humiliating scene that embarasses both of you. Worse, such scenes detract from your authority in your teen's eyes.
5) Remember to show affection. Teens need their parent's approval and affection as much as younger children do - they just don't want it to be 'mushy'. Remember to touch your teens - a pat on the shoulder, mess their hair, wrestle with them, a quick arm around the waist when they are doing dishes, maybe even do their dishes when you notice they look tired...there are numerous ways to show a teen real affection. Knowing that they are loved, even when they are surly, will go a long way to helping a teen come to terms with the new regime in the house.
6) Don't let the things teens say hurt you or draw you into an argument. Teens know just what buttons to press. Just remind yourself that you're dealing with a 3 year old in the body of an adult. You wouldn't let a 3 year old get to you, would you?
7) Develop a sense of humour! Teens can have a well developed sense of the ridiculous, too - use that to defuse situations early.
Home
When Children are Defiant or Insolent
3)Insolent or defiant behaviour must be dealt with immediately and strongly. If a teen ever gets the idea that you are not in charge of your home, that will be the end of your authority as a parent. Come down on your teen like a tonne of bricks if they display this behaviour so that they learn that, while they may be as big (or bigger) than you, you still have the power to make their lives miserable. The most effective way I have found to do this is to remind them that everything they have or do is a privilege you choose to give them.
a)Ground them indefinitely. Remove all phone, tv an computer privilege. No friends and no outings.
b)Remove every last item from their room except a bed and pyjamas (best to wait till they have gone to school).
c)They will most likely explode when they realise what you have done, so be prepared and be very calm. It is important not to be drawn into any argument or discussion.
d)Explain that privileges and room items will be returned (decide the schedule -whether daily or weekly, etc) as polite, respectful and obedient behaviour is observed. I recommend a respect chart on the fridge listing the behaviour you are looking for, and when they can receive privileges/items back. Also, indicate that breaking these rules will result in immediate loss of any items and privileges earned.
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